I AM ENOUGH.
Our three beautiful children are close in age - just four years oldest to youngest. Their varying needs place competing demands on our attention, time, and emotional connection. Each of them, in their own way, are perfect mirrors reflecting everything in need of refinement within my own emotional landscape.
Audrey has taught me how difficult it can be to give and receive love.
Benjamin shows me how finding peace in the present moment can be a challenge.
And our sweetest little Adeline provides daily lessons in my lack of pure happiness.
For years now, those reflections have given me a deep yearning for change; a sense of restlessness looking for deep peace; a hole in my heart looking for the bravery to experience the entire spectrum of true happiness. There has been this sense of pushing and forcing change: if "I just do this differently or start that habit, then I'll be happy." Even this blog space has, in some part, been fueled by that desire for change. Objectively, I know better. Yet, in the present moment my mind reverts to old patterns of lack and scarcity telling me that somehow right now, this moment--despite all of it's blessings --is not enough. Or worse, that I am not enough!
I'm ready to lay down the struggle, take a deep breath and relax.
I'm coming to feel and live in the awareness that even though,
My dad left and my mom committed suicide, I am ENOUGH.
I'm not always the perfect wife, but I am ENOUGH.
I haven't mastered homeschooling, but I am ENOUGH.
I still struggle with self-care, but I am ENOUGH.
I am not the daughter-in law and friend I always want to be, but I am ENOUGH.
I am not a professional photographer, writer, blogger, or fill-in-the-blank, but I am ENOUGH.
I'm slowly sinking into a field of acceptance. I am flawed. Despite the purest of intentions, I fail. And it's not pretty. But, it's a process. Even though it's painful and often difficult to spend most every day with these gorgeous beautiful reminders of the inner work that still needs to be done. I'm so deeply grateful for each of our precious children and honored to be their mother. I'll never be perfect and they don't need me to be. It's going to be ok.
All is well.
All I ever need to remember, is simply....
I am ENOUGH.