Healing a Broken Heart.
As soon as he got down on one knee and asked, "Will you marry me?" I froze.
My heart knew it was right but mind was screaming, "NOOOOOOO!!!"
A jillion reasons against getting married came rushing to the surface! I've only known this guy for 15 months.... He lives so far away and will likely be deploying with the Army soon.... I'm not ready to plan a wedding and oh by the way have no money to pull it off.... I'm only 25 and wait we haven't even talked about this idea yet! It took me a year to work up the courage and comfort to say "I love you" and saying "I do" is for the rest of my life! But the real reason was a huge FEAR of ABANDONMENT. How could I trust him if no man had ever shown me true unconditional love? Saying, "Yes" subconsciencely felt extremely scary and unsafe. In my mind, I feared this would eventually lead to the devastating pain of someone else walking out on me.
Poor Josh had to sit there while I wrestled with the right answer! I remember just how hard it was to swallow the fears and insecurities and finally say, "YES!" I'm so glad I followed my heart and not my head. We ended up with a beautiful wedding just a few months ahead of him deploying to Iraq for a year. I was thrown right back into an emotional tailspin with having to say goodbye as soon as we moved in together. But somewhere along the line over the past 13 years, my heart learned to trust again. Slowly I've come to understand just how much his redemptive love has helped me heal from a painful childhood.
This beautiful little space and the process of sharing my truth has also helped me heal and live with a greater sense of emotional freedom. After I shared the, "Running From the Past" post, Josh had to leave on a three-night work trip. I experienced the familiar anxiety leading up to him leaving, but while he was gone I felt this true and deep sense of peace about being alone with the kids. Where fear and negative patterns of thought used to wreck me, I had confidence and felt in control. In sharing my truth, I was able to dissolve some pretty heavy stuff.
This realization has been so incredibly liberating that I'm looking around inside trying to see what else in there needs setting free.
Photo Credit goes to the ever so lovely Yan Palmer.