Reflections on Motherhood - UPDATED.
Reflections on Motherhood.
From childhood, I was certain I wanted to be a mother. My mom told me my nickname in preschool was "Mother Mara." The day Audrey was born was the most magical moment of my life up to that point. I was so in love with her during the infant and toddler years. By the time she turned four, she was an older sister to two siblings and we had moved several times. I remember feeling depleted and worn thin. Around that time, she began experiencing some sensory processing issues, which soon came to (for our family) an extreme height. I felt so hopeless. I didn't know how to help her through it, especially amidst caring for our other two babies, then two years and newborn. It got to the point we took her in for a behavioral evaluation. We were assured she would eventually develop the ability to manage her symptoms on her own. The doctor was right - she did. But, it was a long five years. And our relationship paid a steep price.
Looking back, it was during this time I felt the connection between us begin to fade and weaken. I wanted so badly to be able to help her and at the same time, I subconsciously associated her behavior as a reflection of my parenting ability. I longed to be that mother that smiled every time she entered the room. But instead, I felt myself tense up with inadequacy.
Fast forward five years and I've found a fountain of HOPE! Every day I work hard on reversing the negative mindset steeped in past mistakes and refocus on a positive vision of the mother I've been created to be. It's a slippery slope and hasn't been easy. But, we are starting to reap the powerful rewards.
“You are whole.
You are complete.
You are worthy.
When I see this in you,
I will see it in myself.”
— Dr. Shefali